humble moment at work today.
remember when i said i have mood swings worse than that of a bipolar?
well...i didn't know that it affected other people that much. maybe i did know and i just was too involved in myself to correct the situation.
i have always been feisty and temperamental and bad enough, it manifests itself in a 5 year old kind of way. the raising of the voice, the unreasonableness, complete with foot stomping and the occasional walk outs. yep. not proud right there.
well today was one of those days. first 15 minutes at work too.
my day started right. biked to work. felt good about my carbon footprint and the calorie meter for the day. liked what i was wearing. had a hop in my step when i was climbing the stairs to my joke of a desk. and then my boss asked me to take a quiz.
for some reason i get very defensive when i feel like my intelligence is being questioned. and that happens quite a lot at work. not my intelligence being questioned but my assumption that it is. and when i get defensive, i get territorial and start hissing like a loony lioness. loony because most of the time this is hinged on unsupported data and i am just reacting on my feeling of being second guessed. yes. feeling. feelingS with a capital S.
anyhoo, while i was wasting my energy debating over something that didn't merit such an exhaustion of my saliva, i realized i was wrong and started laughing. at myself. out of embarrassment.
one very verbal co-worker made a comment about how a happy me was a happy office. and a much closer co-worker piped in and said that a happy me was a fun me. jerks.
more of ouch to me. it didn't really pinch my ego that bad but it did get me thinking. i've always prided myself on my professionalism and that was one of the things that has made my company promote me easily. but where has that gone? where is the sweet little ol' me who used to not say much and just bitched about stuff at home?
i need to find her. stat!
because i like my happy self. i hate being grumpy and letting my annoyance get the best of me. or the rest of my day. i want to learn how to choose my battles, to not raise my chances of getting a heart attack every time something doesn't sit well with me, to be the perfect model for grace under pressure.
so yes, knowing that i am not exactly anyone's favorite person when i start to see red was a bitter pill to swallow.
i will learn how to breathe. from my mouth.
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